I had an accident

I got called to the school on Monday afternoon. Luckily I was already driving home (3:10) and more than half way there. It seems my 7 year old had an accident at school. By "accident" they did not mean falling in the playground. Ahem.

So, I was a little concerned. It has been 3-4 years since he has had an accident. I was wondering if he was ill or if something was going on that I was not aware of.

When I got to the school, my eldest was waiting in the vestibule at the front door. He was noticably wet and uncomfortable.

It seems the downside of the portable is showing its ugly self: the rule is that kids must travel to the washroom in pairs (very good) and that only two kids are allowed out at any given time (completely understandable). Two kids had left quite a while ago and were not quick in hurrying back to the class (yep, I get that too) and my son had to go. Had to go bad.

When it was his turn, he made it out the door but never made it all the way to the washroom. He felt terrible. No doubt the teacher felt pretty bad as well. I decided not to pursue the issue with the school but I cannot imagine being told that I am not allowed to go to the washroom. Sigh.

How many more years of this is there?

Canada's Blues Awards

I come from a family remarkably talented in music. How it missed me and left me puttering around trying to see and keep a beat is one of those things that has bothered me for years. However, showing how gracious I can be, I would like to request that each of my 14 readers vote for my uncle as the best Toronto, then Canadian, drummer.

He plays for the Downchild Blues Band and has for years. Any of you die-hard blues lovers will know the band. If not, vote anyway. :-)

Vote for MIKE FITZPATRICK

as Canada`s blues drummer of the year

How?

Go to www.mapleblues.ca

Go to: Register to vote

Sick, sick, sick

Optomitrist Joke

So, in being 'on loan' to another federal department and knowing that this is short-term the other department is not exactly motivated to create an ergonaumical work station for me. They have thrown together a PC and a monitor. Unfortunately, the monitor is so large that it takes up the whole desk top and while I work it is about 8 inches from my face.

Not surprisingly, six weeks in, my eyes are starting to pay the price: I am struggling to drive at night, my distance vision is challenged and - the worst of all - I have developed this little eye twitch in my left eye. Not noticable by others but completely disctracting to me. And it seems constant.

So, I book an appointment with the optomitrist to discuss the situation, my mind working miles an hour about all the bad things that can cause an eye twitch. The Doctor is just what you expect: a small, quiet middle eastern man who is very unimposing.

I discuss the situation, asking him gravely if I should be talking with a neurologist. *Stop laughing here Jon* He checks out my eyes and tells me that I need to get more sleep (cue laugh track here), stop drinking coffee (simply an impossibility) and reduce my stress (ROFL).

Then he offers me one more trick when the twitch starts: roll up a tiny bit of tissue and place it on your eyelid.

So, later that day, in the car with my large Timmy's, going on 5 hours of sleep with all the kids screaming, my eye starts to twitch. I figure I will try his trick so I roll up a little piece from the only clean tissue I can find and try to place it on my eyelid with no success. See, gravity works on eyelids as well.

But, I am the master of my universe: I can beat this silly thing they call gravity. I tilt my head back, swatting blindly at the child in the back who is touching the other child's car seat. I place the tissue on my left eyelid and wait.

Then I realize: this is the idea of an optomitrist's joke. I can hear the conversation around the dinner table now: So.... so ... then I tell her (snort, giggle) to roll up a tiny piece of tissue and she is listening to me like I am dispensing the word of God, see ..... and she buys it. She really believes that this piece of kleenex is going to fix the problem of sleep deprivation, caffeine high, stress ... man, some people will believe anything.

Ahem, Announcing ...

My SO has recently joined the ranks of the bloggers.

While it is not specifically parenting - ok, so little of it is parenting - you get insight on chips and stuff... way out of my league.

http://realityvillusion.blogspot.com/

Ghost Post by the Significant Other

Chicken Soup for the Father's Soul

I beat my children last night and it felt really, really good. I even managed to lay down a few on my wife. That felt even better.

I was merciless, they begged me stop, they pleaded with me to stop, but I kept up my relentless assault. I hit their heads, their chests, their stomachs and legs. At one point I even knocked the legs out from under my eldest and dropped him to the floor, following with a huge blow to his abdomen. Age gave no mercy. I attacked the 7 year old as much as the 2 year old.

I am not sure how the pillows made out though. Man, did it feel so good to get into a full-fledged pillow fight with all three boys. I whacked a lot of pent up aggression out on them. An hour later the boys were sweaty, mostly naked (apparently pillow fighting must be done in your underwear) and exhausted. I was feeling pretty good myself. *editor's note - the father resisted the insistent pleas that he also get down to his skivvies*

For future reference if your kids are frustrating you ... disguise a good beating as a pillow fight: it is great for your soul.

Avian Flu Pandemic Warning

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

Sexy, sexy, sexy

OK, mom. You SHOULD NOT READ THIS POST.

I had an experience a couple of nights ago. It was an epipheny of sorts. You see, like all 'girls' I have gone through stages of finding different kinds of men sexy. I did the high school cheerleader thing where I dated only those 'big and dumb'. For a while there, I think my choice in men was limited to jerks. Then I decided that intellectual was what suited me.

Now, I have thrown away all - er, most - of the physical characterisitics. I don't care about blonde vs. brunette, or hair at all :-). Just stick a baby bottle in your back pocket and you will have to fight me off. You all know the photo that I am talking about.

There is something about a man with the ability to show a tender side that is SO sexy. It must be part of the genetic code for procreation. The dominant alpha male not only hunts for food (ok, works in a a bank), protects the family (knows how to lock a door at night) but he also must show that Brad Pitt taking a kid for a ride on a motor bike side. Sheesh, there are a lot of expectations on being a man.

While women look for football players in our teens, once we move out of that stage a man's ability to show compassion becomes paramount. Though, I suppose the ability to throw the skin a bit is not a bad thing either. Wonder if that can be done with a snuggly and a baby bottle tucked in your back pocket?

Jen, I know you agree with me on this one...

Fashionable and Will Keep You Warm During the Winter

Nov. 14, 2005— For the woman who wants to stay both warm and environmentally conscious this winter — and isn't bothered by extra bulk under her shirt — a lingerie maker Wednesday unveiled a thick bra that can be heated in a microwave.

Triumph International modeled the bra in Japan which has launched a "Warm Biz" campaign urging people to bundle up to save on heating.

The bra pads are filled with an eco-friendly, reusable gel that can be heated up in a microwave or with hot water. For good measure, a pendant of a hot pepper dangles from the front.

But the bra isn't for those favoring understated attire. A long strap flows down from the back, which is meant to be wrapped around like a boa to keep one's neck warm.

"We hope this will not only help prevent global warming but also provide a little fashion chic to the office," Triumph's Japan branch said in a statement.

But for the time being, the bra, which comes with matching shorts, won't be in stores, though the lingerie maker will use the technology to develop other warm clothing.

Japan, the land of the Kyoto Protocol, is encouraging people to set their heating at no more than 20 degrees Celsius (68 Fahrenheit) this winter to save energy.

It follows a "Cool Biz" casual-dress campaign promoted by Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, who eschewed his tie for most of the summer, to reduce air-conditioner use and therefore greenhouse gas emissions. The drive is estimated to have saved enough energy to supply 240,000 households for a month.

Who's on the Phone?

So, not that many years back I can remember mocking my in laws. You don’t have to worry about me throwing insults here - the whole family was in on it and it was usually to their faces.

See, his hearing had faded a little bit and, well, she was a bit distracted. It seemed that they were regularly misinterpreting what the other had said. And man, the funny places that can lead you. They were mocked regularly for telling each other the phone was for them when the phone had not even rung.

On the weekend, I approached that mocking stage. We, in our wisdom, and between hockey, skating, playgroup and gymnastics took the enfants out rollerblading. Halfway down the path and going at mach five I decide NOW was the appropriate time to start a conversation with my spouse. It went something like this.

Me: My knees feel like jelly.

Spouse: WHAT?

Me: My knees feel like jelly.

Spouse: coming to a full stop and looking at me with daggers. Do you really think that now is an appropriate time to tell me that your needs are not being fulfilled?

Me: laughing so hard I fall flat on my butt, pulling down a four (and three quarters) year old and tipping a stroller.

We All Have our Crosses to Bear

It seems that in life we are all given little challenges: for some it is physical challenges that they are forced to overcome; some carry emotional crosses and some are just not born with the mental prowess of the rest of us. Ahem…

I have carried my cross in life quietly where possible. Hiding my crutch with shame and surrounding myself with people that are stronger in the area of my weakness than I. Sometimes that just seems to make my weakness more pronounced.

Let’s face it. I am directionally challenged.

I have now lived in the same city for 15 years and I still take the familiar routes home. As frequently as 3 – 4 times a year I have had to call my spouse and shameful admit that I have no idea where I am and need directions on the best way home.

Now, for those of you who know me, I am also fiercely independent and proud. I will NOT admit to being lost. Being lost is something that happens to unintelligent people. Not for me. Out of pride I opt to simply take familiar routes – even though they are 15 minutes longer that a direct route. I drive straight in a line until I find a familiar road. And I use maps. Even of familiar cities.

‘fess up all you people out there. I cannot be the only person in the world with a weakness.

It's Snowing

It is a very Canadian thing about me that I get excited when it snows. Nothing is more fun than those big flakes of white on your tongue! It is not snowing hard enough to have any accumulation but the kids will have a blast at recess today watching the snow!

Is Happiness Elusive?

I just read a blog comment from a woman that I respect a great deal. She noted that – and here I bring in the quotes, “Happiness is elusive. Reach for it and it vanishes. But then when you are looking away it can surround you and fill every pore of your soul like a warm bath.”

Hmmm….

Those are wonderful words of peace and tranquility and especially soothing for a soul that is constantly striving for the next best thing. Do they ring true? Yes, I believe so. Many of us spend our lives wondering what is around the corner and thinking that we would be happy if only …. If only we had a new car; if only we lost 10 pounds (ok, 30); if only I could get this specific job; and for some people, if only they had children.

This is not a ticket out of trying to reach your dreams. At your core there are things in life that you just know you need to achieve. It could be as complex as education, as physically challenging as skydiving or as long-term as having children. Whatever you dream, you should dedicate yourself to achieving this.

But you should understand that simply achieving the goal is not what will make you happy in life. It is enjoying the path along the way. And learning and growing and interacting with others while you do that.

And the champagne when you are able to grasp that brass ring!

Liar, liar, pants on fire

It is a fact of life that adults lie. Sometimes lies that have impact but most of the time it is just little things like status or salary. As adults engaged in a conversation we are usually aware of these little stretches in what people say and accommodate for it, finding the reality someone in the middle.

Kids on the other hand, have not learned things like social graces. They do, however, understand the desire to meet the expectations of another person, getting praise as a result. Some kids will even lie to get that praise. Not mine, of course.

When does it become socially acceptable to lie? We find other words for it as adults - exagerating or stretching the truth, little white lies or telling a half-truth to avoid hurting someone's feelings. All in all it is lying and it must confuse the heck out of a child trying to learn social structures. Poor things, they really don't stand a chance of being normal, do they?

Public Service Announcement

While some would argue that I should have come to this conclusion years ago, I would like to announce that I am officially done. It is over. Not even a glimmer.

Last night, I went to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who just had her first child. I have three children and, at times, struggle to cope to keep up with the chaos. Yet, somewhere in my head I never wanted to believe that the baby stage of my life was over. I was not seriously considering four – that would be insane – but I was not ready to accept that I would never feel the kicks of a growing child inside me again.

Until last night.

The baby was cute. Only two days old and angelic looking. I held him for the whole time that I was there and felt the inner peace that comes with such trust. And I sensed the anxiety of the mother – would he EVER nurse well? Will I make the right choices? How will this affect our lives?

And I realized, I have been there. I did not feel the pull to take this little guy home (cute as he was) and make him mine. While I loved the nursing bond and nothing is better than snuggling with a sleeping little sausage baby (they all look like sausages at that age), I am done and am content to sleep with other people’s sausages .

I have moved on to the stage where the children can interact – God save me – and have their own opinions and are capable of compassion for others. While I would love to be able to freeze my life right now and have none of us grow older, that is not a possibility and I am content to simply watch them bloom.

Public Service Announcement is complete.

My spouse can breathe again.

No Parenting Information Here

Move along if you are looking for any details about my personal life today. There is nothing to see here. I am completely focussed on work this morning.

You see, I have a meeting with one nasty individual. And they usually bring friends for these kinds of meetings.

While my responsibilities for federal government departments have evolved over the years, at this point my role is policy direction for the Charter of Human Rights and Freedoms and the Access to Information and Privacy Acts. These legislations are fundamental influences in the Canadian federal government and their interaction with citizens.

Some people take them a little too far. This morning I am meeting with two local lawyers who have decided to take a position against the department that I work for. This ‘negotiation’ faze will be an exercise in futility as all my attempts (with my ever-so-dazzling personality) to engage these individuals in meaningful conversation have deteriorated to abuse.

Being retired members of the military, with law degrees, these individuals are the ultimate disaster for a consensus builder. I am at the stage now of wondering when I am within my own rights to walk away. Every time the conversation moves from facilitating to personal: I have been accused of hiding information, refusing to comply with the law and the ultimate for me - “had I been more experienced I would not have come to that conclusion.”

To date, I have held my tongue. I am sure that responding to personal slander in this case would only escalate the problem and I am trying to address the issues. Honestly, their challenge is that I am using all the tools in my scope: I have obtained legal advice, consulted multiple other departments and the government of Canada watchdog agencies. I, and the Department that I represent, are working within the scope of our legislations.

At some point I just want to climb up on my chair and start the two year old chant: liar, liar, pants on fire. And I thought that this post would not deteriorate to child rearing. Maybe these meetings will be just like it is at home!

cute comment